My struggles over the fall was gaming...  I was actually quite social in both realms.  I was talking to people in-game and talking to people at school.  But slowly I would talk to people in-game more than I would at school.  So I'm taking a break and enjoying my vacation.  I still visit the same websites to stay on top, but I do that when I'm not playing in general.  Hopefully it won't be back when I play again during mid to late january.

In the airplane I was talking to myself.  Infatuation hits me really fast and really hard.  I basically see a cute girl or stewardess and then start thinking about the potentials.  But then I get sad that nothing will happen.  I feel like I've conditioned myself to be like this as a teenager.  Then again there are times where I haven't grown up in.  I don't know what I want to do.  I haven't had a real job since all the jobs I've had were at my parents place.  I don't struggle financially and I'm very content and happy with my life.

Then there are those nagging noise in the back of my head that keep poking and prodding my emotions.  Asking me when will loved be returned and when will I be able to move forward since lately I've been stagnant with the movements in my life.  Even to a point where I'm stepping backwards instead of forwards.  I'm struggling to attend small group because
1. One of the leaders is really insensative and I'm trying to be understanding, but I don't want to put an effort out for someone who is older than me.  Also I lack patients so thats another thing.
2. I really need to feed myself.  If I don't feed myself then I'm just saying what God has been fed to me, BUT the thing is is that I need to feed myself first so that I can share the blessing of what God has been teaching me.
3. I need constant communion with God which I lack.  I'm not letting my sins get in the way, but at the same time I'm not really getting serious with it.

Sadly, I forgot my bible, but I did bring my iPhone.  So I should be able to look up verses, but I wish I could highlight and write on it, but thats bad for an iPhone.

I need to use the blessings I have to give to others rather than myself, but balance the love God has for me and sharing it with others.  Also I really want to leave childish things aside.  Hopefully I can deal with the childish things I have with my family.

Pray that I'm as transparent as I am here with my family.  Pray that I get closer to God and find intimacy with him.  Above all pray that I move in his will rather than mine.

I get to sleep in my nice comfy bed and relax after a retreat.  I find it funny that I'm tired after a retreat. but at the same time am refreshed in different ways.

What strikes my mind the most right now is that I'm jealous.  I feel very petty and greedy for attention.  I say this because I look over 180+ pictures and hoped I was in them.  I assumed that I might show up but I didn't.  Maybe I'm not photogenic or something, but at the same time I wonder why I care so much.  There are times where I amaze myself.  With how grown up I've been, but at the same time have little things like these that bug me.  I was jealous to that I wasn't invited to a high schooler's get together.......... Why?  Shouldn't I be happy with what God is providing me with?  I have friends, I have people I care for and those who care for me.  Why do I demand more than I need to have?  Why should I be jealous?  It upsets me that there is this very greedy part of me that wants more than just a slice of cake.  It wants the whole thing.  I'm not even sure if I don't want the whole thing.  But yet I feel or demand that I should.

I wonder where God is leading me.  I wonder where I should be going.  I wonder if I should leave childish things behind or that I'm holding onto them for selfish reasons.  Should I take a break?  Am I grown up?  Why can't my life be filled with faith and trust instead of petty concerns.

Meh, I'm done thinking.  I'm going to bed.

There seems to be a lot that has been going on in my life. My addiction to World of Warcraft is up and running. The internal struggle of how I face is constant, but I'm finding solace in God giving me strength and just letting me say to myself, "take a break from it". I would like to and hope that I can.

The other thing thats been bugging me is my how status. My status as an individual and my status in my career. I've been a student for 17 years, at least. I really want to be done with school. I enjoy the freedom, but I rather be doing something else. When I start working and posting more often, will likely occur. But at teh same time I'm not sure what to think. I really need to focus on my academics, but sadly I'm writing here instead.

Going back the my other "status". I must say one thing. I really hate how young christian get married (not saying that a christian who recently found god getting married, but college age christians getting married). You can blame my jealous, you can blame that fact that I'm frustrated, or you could see the dilemma that myself and others are in. Its not wrong to be married at my age nor is it bad. But at the same time I don't see how some people can get married so soon and fast. I understand my cousin who married her husband in 6 months, but their situation was that they are in their 30s. I've seen people who date for two years at my age and I wonder how that is posible. I've changed so much in the past two years alone. Maybe I don't want to burden someoen with my problems. The only person I know who can handle them is Christ.

Its been 4 years since I had a relationship. I've been searching, but have none in sight. Sadly, I need patience. Contrary to what I believe, I don't have any patience. Over those 4 years has created in me, a hype to be searching and seeking harder. Harder so I won't be the only single person in my family. Harder so that I can be there to hold someone's hand and do it in a way that they know that I love them. But none will occur. None will appear. Not now, at least. I don't say this in spite of the desperate way I sound, but I say it in the way that I'm giving up. I'm giving up on myself. So that I can trust in what God is doing in my life. Trusting in him as he places people in my life. Having faith that can move mountains and bring love, peace, joy, and righteouness to those around me. To know that I stand on God's word, but also lean on him for guidance and peace.

Maybe I wish that God could just hold me and hug me. Maybe I just need to not act strong and give into my weakness and let God reign in my life more. Let him shine through that I try to act on my own.

2 Timothy 4:17-18 (New International Version)

17But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. 18The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

I'm frustrated and I'm not sure where the source is from or where it leading me.  All I can think is that its the sin that is trying to grasp my life again.  I'm not sure, but I won't submit.  Yet I won't fight it.  I can't fight it.  I'm too weak to battle it.  Only God can save me from this blight.  As I say this, my mind starts to cool down and my body starts to relax a bit.  All frustration that I have is from this sin.  A sin that starts off as jealousy and blows up into a beast that has consumed me many times.

I'm trying to gain perspective in my life.  I'm trying to be calm and think t things that are heavy on my mind.  Not letting emotions consume my decisions and clouding what God is speaking to me.

I struggle with loneliness and always have.  I always question why I have this hole in my life or perceive to have such a hole in my life.  I don't want to cram God in it.  But at the same time I want God to be fill this gap in my life.  I'm discontent and unable to see what more God can do in my life.  I seem to be preoccupied with being with someone.  Maybe I'm jealous of my family.  Every time I am with them, they have a hand to hold or someone to talk about, or even argue with.

I know relationship don't fulfill or heal the wholes in my heart.  I know it not the source of my salvation nor is a source of my faith.  Yet I wish to find someone who can make me smile.  Who I can talk to.  Sadly its not like I don't have these kinds of people in my life.  But I don't love them in that way.  They are my family in Christ and yet I want more.  I'm not content and it bothers me.

Lord, I need help in being content with the blessing that are in my life.  But always seeking your heart and understanding your call in my life.  I want to be a open servant that seeks your face and be used to lead others to you.  I want to be made something that will bring praise to Your name and glorify the sacrifice of Christ.  Listening to the words of your Holy Spirit.

Let my heart be glad and be filled with your love above all else.  Let me not be wanting more since you are everything I need.

I ask that the works above transform to something real in my life so that I won't be discontent with a God that is amazing and beautiful.

I seem to never say anything right.  I say something casually and then it blows up in my face.  Why do I try talking to these people?  Why do I have to backtrack and apologize for something I said.  I'm not even being sarcastic and I get punched verbally in the face.  I really don't understand what is going on.

I seemed to be doomed with failure in every step of trying to be nice.  Yay for me and the ability that I seem to not be able to please those that are close to me.  Yay for me and yay for the fact that I question why I'm still trying.  Give me a high five in how I seemed to screw this up.